When I first got together with my partner he was a masculine gay man. Now he seems to be getting more and more feminine to conform to the gay culture. It's a turnoff that he's practically becoming a woman right before my eyes. Should I end the relationship?
It’s natural for people to change over time. Whether it’s becoming wiser or grumpier, we’re rarely the same person we were years earlier. The subject of masculinity seems to be a hot-button issue, even in the straight community. The term “toxic masculinity” has painted the entire gender (or is it a sex? I can never remember what we’re supposed to call it week to week) with a negative brush. I've heard Bill Maher complaining about it for years that somewhere along the line being a guy has turned into a bad thing nowadays.
I’ve heard a lot from older gay guys that they long for the days of “guys who are guys” with the line, “If I wanted feminine, I’d be with a woman.” It’s not simply about an attraction to body parts, is it? It’s the entire package – so to speak.
About 20 years ago – long before the days of social media and easy access to millions of people – my friend worked in a gay bar. He told me how people would come in on their 21st birthday to celebrate and as the months went on, he noticed changes in their personality. He said they’d often become more flamboyant and flashy as time went on. His question was also the same: Is that really who they are or are they conforming to gay stereotypes because they're around it so much?
The trouble in the gay community is if you feel strongly against men wearing nail polish or carrying a purse or having a feminine voice and mannerisms to match, you’re dubbed hateful and judgemental. You’re likely met with the argument, “Who says dresses and nail polish are for women?” It’s a fight you really can’t win. So, what do you do? You resent the newer generation or those you feel are conforming to gay culture because, as we all know, being part of the “alphabet mafia” is the trendy thing. (Are we done with that he/she/they/them/it thing now?)
So, having said all that, I get where you’re coming from. You feel that your man is transforming to your woman. The more and more your partner creeps over to traditional female traits, the less and less you want to be around him/her.
You already used the word turnoff so it seems like this is the beginning of the end for the relationship. Why do I say that? If he’s flamed up and queeny already, how do you think telling him to change is going to go over? And telling him to tone it down? Dream on.
If you’re hit with the ultimate ultimatum, “This is who I am, take it or leave it” I sense you wouldn’t hesitate to leave it. Am I right? If that’s the case, you might as well cut yourself loose rather than drag it out anymore. “Drag” it out… get it? ?