My boyfriend has suddenly jumped on the pronoun bandwagon and insists I refer to him as "they" and I refuse. I'm gay, I'm with a guy, I'm not with a plural. Something so strange like a pronoun is destroying my relationship.
I feel like this is an endless argument between you two.
On the one hand, you're experiencing a profound shift in your partner’s identity, a revelation that throws the foundation of your relationship into question. On the other, you're grappling with the very definition of your own sexuality and what it means to be in a gay relationship.
You have the right to feel confused, challenged and even resistant to this change. It's perfectly normal to struggle when someone you love introduces a new facet of themselves, especially one that seems to contradict your established understanding of them.
Think of it this way: your boyfriend isn’t necessarily changing who he is, but how he chooses to be seen by the world -- even though he still, I'm assuming, lives as a man. Perhaps he always felt a disconnect between his assigned gender at birth and his true self. Perhaps he identifies as non-binary, genderfluid or agender. The label itself isn't as important as the feeling that drives it.
Now, the "plural" nature of "they/them" conflicts with your understanding of your gay relationship. You're with a man, right? But hear me out: gender identity and sexual orientation are two distinct concepts. He might still be attracted to men, still identify within the LGBTQ+ spectrum, even if his gender identity falls outside the traditional binary.
Instead of digging in your heels, try to understand what "they/them" pronouns mean to your boyfriend. Ask him to explain his experience, his feelings and his understanding of his own gender. Approach the conversation with genuine curiosity and a willingness to learn.
But, by the sounds of it, you're unwilling to be open to the discussion. Your feelings are valid, too, so we can't put this all on you to accept him. It seems like your hesitation is with having to explain your relationship -- or at least describe your partner -- to other people.
Here's the thing: if you're just talking to friends or family and he's not around, then refer to him as "him" or "he." In his presence, you'd rarely have to describe him as a pronoun because he's right there. Use his first name. As for the term "boyfriend," are you still allowed to use that? Or does it have to be "partner" or "themfriend"? (OK, maybe now I'm just being a dick.)
Personally, I haven't jumped on the bandwagon. I respect people's choices in life but I'm in the camp that says you can't force me to call you whatever you demand. Sorry, I'm just not. Just as it would be unreasonable for me to command that you bow to my feet when you see me, I don't take demands from people.
Back to you though.
Ultimately, the success of your relationship hinges on your willingness to adapt and accept each other. It's not about blindly conforming to your boyfriend's new identity, but about understanding and respecting his self-expression. If you can approach this with empathy, open-mindedness and a genuine desire to connect, I believe you can navigate this challenge and emerge stronger as a couple.
It's also important to acknowledge that sometimes relationships simply aren't compatible. If, after honest effort and open communication, you find that you cannot reconcile his identity with your own needs and desires, it might be time to consider parting ways. But give it your best shot first. The potential reward – a deeper, more authentic connection built on mutual understanding – is well worth the effort. Good luck.