My partner is losing his patience with customer service people. He starts out understanding but as soon as he doesn't get an answer he likes or believes he's getting the runaround, his mood drastically changes. When I'm standing beside him in a store or seated across from him at a restaurant, it's embarrassing because I feel bad for the employee subjected to his wrath. I'm tempted to step in but fear he'll get louder and turn on me and everybody will know there's an issue. How do we get this under control?
Well, don't sign any release forms to appear on those TV shows where "Karen" videos are broadcast and laughed at.
Witnessing someone you care about lose control, particularly in public, is incredibly difficult. Your feelings of embarrassment are completely valid and your concern for the customer service employees subjected to your partner's wrath speaks volumes about your own compassion. And your apprehension about stepping in, fearing an even larger scene, is a very real and understandable dilemma.
While your partner's initial understanding of a situation might be genuine, his swift descent into anger when things don't go his way isn't just "losing patience." It sounds like a significant struggle with emotional regulation and, perhaps, a deep-seated need for control or a feeling of being disrespected when his expectations aren't met.
When he lashes out at customer service personnel, it’s not only deeply unfair to those individuals, who are often simply following protocols or are not responsible for the issue at hand, it’s also counterproductive. Anger rarely solves problems; it usually escalates them and shuts down any possibility of a positive resolution. More importantly, it creates a toxic environment that impacts everyone around him, especially you.
Now, here's where I turn on you for a moment. I'm not saying you're responsible for his actions. But you have to realize that if you are a couple -- a singular unit -- you represent each other and his actions are a reflection of you. If you don't speak up, he's essentially speaking for the both of you in that situation. He's speaking on your behalf if it's something that involves you and you don't say anything. You do look complicit or weak in the eyes of the helpless customer service person being berated.
Having said that, your fear of intervening is understandable; no one wants to inadvertently pour fuel on a fire, especially one that could then turn on them. This is where I give you some more tough love though. If he turns on you, that speaks volumes about the level of respect you get in your relationship. If your partner's anger about something unrelated suddenly puts a target on your head -- and the fact that you mention it in your message to me indicates you expect it will happen -- should have you re-evaluate your place in the relationship.
There's a couple of things to unpack with this but let's stick with the in-the-moment confrontation he's having and how it should be dealth with.
The most important step is to address this when neither of you are in the heat of the moment. Choose a time when you are both relaxed and receptive. Sit down with him and express your feelings. Tell him there are several factors at play when he loses his cool on someone. It's everything from that person's feelings, to the disruption of other patrons around him, to the embarrassment you face. Outline everything you've told me, a stranger, about this issue.
Explain why it's problematic not just for you, but for him, too. His anger is likely making things worse, not better, and it's certainly not reflecting positively on him. Suggest that this isn't about getting a desired outcome from a store or restaurant, but about how he manages his own emotions and treats others. This behavior isn't about the product or service anymore; it’s about a pattern that needs addressing.
If you know you're going into a situation that might be frustrating (e.g., returning an item, dealing with a meal problem at a restaurant), discuss it beforehand. "I know this might be challenging. How do you want to approach it if things don't go smoothly?"
Set boundaries and a plan of attack should a situation arise. He likely gives you warning before he launches into a rant because it's something he'll mention and stew about beforehand -- particularly if it's during a meal at a restaurant.
Have him think about who he's angry at. If it's a problem with the food, it's not the server's fault -- they didn't cook the meal. If it's a product return policy, it's not the cashier's fault -- they didn't make the rules. If that doesn't make him drop the issue -- and you feel it's worth escalating -- then move to the next level.
If he asks for a manager, he does so calmly and with a level, unraised voice. Or, you ask for the manager if it's something that directly affects you. If it does affect you and you're fine with it, tell him that, too.
As a couple, you're also each other's support system. Just as you can recognize his outburst is coming, he likely knows it's about to happen. This is where he needs to take a beat and acknowledge that he's not in a mental or emotional state to address it and has to "tag out" and have you jump in. Again, if it's not a big enough deal, perhaps he'll realize there's no sense in raising the issue.
Get physical. I don't mean violent. (Although...!) When he's getting worked up and losing it, give him a tap on the hand or arm, or more discretely, a tap on the leg under the table (if it's a restaurant scenario). That will cue him to simmer down.
Later, talk it out. Do a debrief of the situation and breakdown how things played out. Ask him if his actions were necessary and if they achieved his desired outcome. Secondly, ask him if he's happy with the scene. Did he hurt someone's feelings? Did he embarrass himself? Did he cause a scene and disrupt others around him?
Finally, consider the possibility that this anger might stem from deeper issues. If his outbursts are frequent, intense and he truly struggles to control them despite his best efforts, professional help could be invaluable. A therapist can provide him with tools and strategies for anger management, emotional regulation and communication that could profoundly improve his quality of life and your relationship.
Hopefully these suggestions work. If not, let me know where I can see the viral vids of him losing his shit. Hey, maybe it'll take that for him to see he's being unreasonable. Something to think about.