My partner is starting to wear nail polish and it's a turnoff. I really can't get over it. It might seem minor but I associate that with women and I'm not attracted to women or femininity. I'm a guy who's attracted to guys. Nail polish, purses and all that woman stuff doesn't fly with me. Do I put my foot down and draw the line or just see where it goes with him?
Well, assuming you've been together long enough, he knows what you're into and what you're not into. It seems like you have strong opinions on gender roles and norms so I assume you've expressed them around him at some point. If not, that's on you for keeping something quiet that you feel so strongly against.
Let’s unpack this, because while your feelings are valid, the path forward might not be as clear-cut as drawing a line in the sand.
Here’s the crucial point I want you to consider: gender expression is not the same as gender identity or sexual orientation. This is perhaps one of the most vital lessons of the modern queer landscape, and it’s one that countless individuals, especially men who aren’t traditionally masculine, are bravely exploring.
Your partner, a man, is choosing to wear nail polish. While it’s true that nail polish has historically been marketed to and associated with women in Western cultures, that association is a social construct, not an inherent truth. For centuries, men, from ancient Babylonian warriors to 18th-century European aristocrats, proudly wore nail polish and makeup as symbols of status, power, or beauty. Today, we’re witnessing a resurgence of men, queer and straight alike, reclaiming and redefining what it means to express themselves aesthetically. For many, wearing polish isn't about desiring to be a woman, or even about being "feminine" in a traditional sense. It might be about personal style, artistic expression, rebellion against rigid norms or simply enjoying a splash of color.
Let me also interrupt myself and say that I don't believe for a second that I'm going to change your mind because you seem pretty firmly planted in your beliefs, however, I wanted to put it out there that nail polish hasn't only been for females.
Let's continue.
You say you’re a guy attracted to guys. Great! But attraction, while often rooted in initial aesthetic appeal, is also deeply complex. Are you attracted to all guys, regardless of how they present themselves? Or are you, perhaps unknowingly, holding onto a very specific, perhaps even narrow, definition of what a “guy” you’re attracted to should look like or act like?
Now, let’s address your instinct to “put your foot down.” Imagine for a moment what that would truly entail. You would be telling your partner, explicitly or implicitly, that a choice he is making about his own body and expression is unacceptable to you, and that his personal exploration must cease for your comfort. What message does that send? It says, "My attraction to you is conditional upon you conforming to my specific ideals of masculinity."
It risks creating an environment where your partner feels stifled, unaccepted or even shamed for simply being himself. Love, especially lasting love, is built on acceptance, respect and the freedom for both individuals to grow and evolve. To forbid him from exploring an aspect of himself, even if it’s just nail polish, could chip away at the very foundation of trust and intimacy you share. It might lead to resentment, secrecy or a fundamental imbalance in your power dynamic.
Instead of drawing a line, I urge you to consider a different approach: curiosity and open-mindedness.
The conversation is coming no matter what. I sense it's coming sooner than later because this really bothers you. You -- and you alone -- will determine the fate of that conversation based solely on your approach and delivery. Come out swinging, get ready for a blowup. Ease into it and show compassion, you're likely going to be OK. (Of course, having never met your partner it's pure speculation on my part.)
Instead of confronting him with your disapproval, approach him with genuine curiosity. “Hey, I’ve noticed you’ve been wearing nail polish. What made you decide to try that? What do you like about it?” Listen to his answers. This isn't about him convincing you to like it; it's about you understanding him better and honoring his individuality.
Introspect on your own biases. Why does this particular thing trigger you so strongly? Is it truly about attraction or is it perhaps about your own comfort with societal perceptions? Are you worried about what others might think of him or even of you as his partner? Are you clinging to a definition of “masculinity” that feels safe and familiar, even if it’s limiting? Sometimes, our discomfort with a partner’s choices is a mirror reflecting our own internal struggles or ingrained societal conditioning.
Give it time. Our attractions are not static. They can evolve, deepen and broaden as we get to know and appreciate the complexities of a person. What might initially be off-putting could, with understanding and time, become just another facet of the person you love. If this is truly about his authentic self-expression, can you learn to see it as part of what makes him uniquely him, rather than a deviation from your ideal?
Your partner is not transforming into someone else. He is exploring an aspect of himself. If this is a part of his genuine self-expression, then your challenge is not to change him, but to expand your own capacity for acceptance and understanding. A loving relationship doesn't demand conformity; it celebrates individuality.
If all else fails, make him wear gloves when you're together! Though, on a serious note, there could be a compromise here that he doesn't wear it around you or when you go out together. Remember, you're the one approaching the subject, so it's up to you how it plays out.
Let me circle back to my midway point: I get a sense from the way your concern was written that this could be a deal breaker in your relationship. I feel like, no matter what advice you actually asked for, you've already made up your mind that you'll never, ever, ever, ever, ever find it acceptable for a man to wear nail polish. I also agree that we can't control what we're attracted to. If we're not attacted to someone/something, that's just the way it is. And I'm not here to shame you. In fact, nail polish is not something I would wear and I personally don't find it attractive on men -- straight or gay.
But -- here's the but -- if I was attracted to 99 percent of the person and this one aspect was the piss off, I'd force myself to get over it and continue the relationship I so truly appreciate.