I'm in a new relationship and it seems like my partner is constantly fishing for compliments. When he makes food, he's always asking how it is. When we go out, he asks if I like his outfit. The first couple of times it seemed like he genuinely wondered how I felt but I've caught on that it's his way of forcing me to compliment or say nice things. It's kind of driving me insane already because it's coming across as needy.
Yeaaaaaaaah, that's too much.
It's funny, because until you mentioned this, I had no idea that that's actually what my mom does! When she hosts Christmas and has all the family members in different rooms, she's circling during dinner asking how the food is. "How's the turkey? Is it good this year? Do you like the meatballs?" It's so weird because it's the same food and same taste every year. Now that you've put this idea in my head, she's totally fishing for compliments! But, it's a mom at Christmas so it's a little different than your situation. I couldn't handle it every day!
So, back to you now.
Before you let this fester and truly drive a wedge between you, let’s consider a few alternative perspectives. While your partner’s behavior is viewed as "fishing for compliments," the root cause might not be neediness in the way you perceive it.
Could it be a sign of deeper insecurity? In new relationships, we're all a bit vulnerable. Your partner might be genuinely unsure about how he’s doing, whether you truly like him, or if he’s meeting your expectations. Those constant questions ("How is it?" "Do you like my outfit?") could be clumsy attempts to seek reassurance that he’s hitting the mark, that you’re happy and that he’s making a good impression.
This brings us to the buzz term so often used by singles (and mocked by our Drew): "love languages."
One of the five "love languages" is "words of affirmation." For people whose primary "love language" is this, hearing praise, compliments and direct expressions of appreciation isn't just nice – it's how they feel loved, valued and seen. (We can argue that it's an insecurity in another column!) It's possible your partner isn't trying to force you; he might genuinely crave and need those words to feel secure in the relationship and he's prompting you because he's not getting them proactively. He might simply lack the awareness that his method is coming across as demanding.
So, address it. Next time he asks, instead of just giving the compliment, try something like, "I love it when you make dinner and I'll always tell you how much I enjoy it! You don't need to ask every time, I promise I'll let you know." Or, "I love seeing you put effort into your outfits and I'll definitely tell you when I think you look great. You don't always need to prompt me!" This sets a boundary while still offering reassurance.
You can always try proactively offering genuine compliments. If you truly like his cooking, tell him before he asks. If you genuinely appreciate his style, mention it unprompted. If his love language truly is words of affirmation, giving them freely and spontaneously might diminish his need to "fish." He'll associate your appreciation with genuine feeling, not just a prompted response.
Buuuuuuuuut... I sense you're not into constantly giving a pat on the head. Am I right? It sounds like you have absolutely no interest in what appears to be feeding his insecurity or ego. Again, that's my read in how you've presented it. I could be wrong.
Having said that, if you can't shake the idea of constantly telling him how wonderful everything is, I don't see this relationship lasting very long. Perhaps putting it out there that he doesn't need to ask you will be enough to get beyond this. Here's hoping that he's genuinely trying to impress you, since you say the relationship is new.
This will be a good test of your communication in the relationship. You see it as his annoying habit but after you talk it through, will he knock it off or will he continue to seek praise? One of those two outcoes will likely decide the fate of your relationship.