I'm single and my mom keeps trying to set me up with people. She doesn't know my type and she's picking people who aren't even close to my style. How do I tell her to piss off?
"Hey, mom. Piss off!"
Done. Next!
Many of us have been there, smiling politely while being introduced to someone who, bless their heart, is so far from our "type" that it feels like a cosmic joke. The urge to scream "PISS OFF!" is not only understandable, it's probably been muttered under your breath more than once.
The reality is that it's probably not the most effective long-term strategy for preserving your sanity or your relationship with your mom. She's coming from a place of love, however misguided her methods. She wants you to be happy, settled and perhaps, to give her grandkids. (Another story for another day, right?) Ignoring that underlying good intention will only lead to defensiveness, hurt feelings and likely an escalation of her matchmaking efforts, just with more covert tactics.
So, how do you put a stop to the unsolicited setups without burning bridges? It's all about direct, empathetic communication and setting clear boundaries.
Acknowledge her good intentions -- briefly! It disarms her immediately. "Mom, I know you love me and you're just trying to help me find happiness. I genuinely appreciate that you think of me and want the best for me." This validates her efforts, even if they're misplaced.
Wait, wait, wait. Don't let her talk just yet. Continue on.
"When you set me up with people who aren't really my style, I feel a lot of pressure and discomfort. It actually makes me feel less open to dating when I'm being set up in a way that doesn't align with what I'm looking for. I feel a bit overwhelmed by the constant introductions."
This is where your relationship with her comes into play. You haven't told me how close you two are but I assume it's somewhat close if she's injecting herself into your love life. So, where you take it from here is up to you.
Do you want to explain what your type is? Be warned, in sharing your checklist, you might actually motivate her to continue the search now that she knows what she's looking for.
You also need to set a clear boundary. This is where you draw the line firmly but kindly. "I really need to find someone on my own terms, and I'd be so grateful if you could trust me to do that. While I appreciate your love, I'd prefer if you didn't try to set me up with anyone anymore."
Ever since I've watched those reality TV dating shows where the loved ones meet the potential mate and then scurry off to give their feedback, I've always felt families become too involved in relationships. Again, though, this is entirely up to you. If you did want to keep her in the loop, you could say that if you ever need dating advice or just want to vent about the dating scene, you'll call her.
Most importantly, remind her that you're an adult capable of navigating your own romantic life. It's weird that we need to tell our parents we're all grown up but sometimes it makes them realize they're overstepping.
Why do I feel like she's going to be sending in audition tapes of you for the next season of The Bachelor/Bachelorette?