My parents called and asked if I wanted to do dinner with the family for my birthday. I said yes. It was a car pool so my dad picked up everyone in their minivan (me, my two brothers and their wives). I was picked up first and ended up sitting in the very back of the van to make it easier for the others to get in. For the last pick-up, my brother and his wife jumped into the van's middle seat and said hi to everyone else but didn't even acknowledge me, let alone say Happy Birthday. When we got to the restaurant, we were an odd number (seven) and they sat us at a table for six and brought over a chair to squeeze me in at the end of the table. It was impersonal and offensive and I was largely ignored by my family the entire time. Should I confront them or just cut them off?
Wow, what a slap in the face. Well, Happy Birthday, anyway!
It's understandable that you feel hurt, offended and ignored. (Honestly, I probably would've got up and left. No, actually, I would've ordered a bunch of expensive food -- since, presumably I'm not paying -- and grabbed it to go, then left).
Your question is a difficult one. There's no simple answer and it really depends on several factors, including your past relationship with your family, your personality and what you hope to achieve.
Before diving into the options, let's acknowledge the elephant in the room: their behavior was rude and thoughtless. There's no excuse for bypassing you in the van, especially when you were the birthday celebrant. The seating arrangement at the restaurant further exacerbates the feeling that you were an afterthought, an inconvenience rather than the guest of honor.
Confrontation requires courage and vulnerability. It means initiating a potentially difficult conversation with your brothers about how their actions made you feel. If you go that route: choose the right time and place. Don't ambush them at another family gathering. Instead, consider a private phone call or a one-on-one meeting. The goal is to create a safe space for open and honest communication.
Focus on your feelings, not accusations: Frame your sentences using "I" statements. For example, instead of saying, "You completely ignored me in the van," try, "I felt hurt and overlooked when I wasn't acknowledged in the van, especially on my birthday."
Be specific about their actions: Clearly articulate what bothered you – the lack of acknowledgment, the seating arrangement, the overall feeling of being ignored. Give them a chance to explain their side of the story. Maybe there was a miscommunication, a misunderstanding, or perhaps they were simply oblivious. While their explanation might not excuse their behavior, it can provide valuable insight.
Be prepared for the possibility that the confrontation won't go as planned. They might become defensive, dismiss your feelings or even deny that they did anything wrong. If this happens, you need to be prepared to accept that they might not be willing to acknowledge their behavior or change their ways.
Cutting off contact is a more drastic measure and should only be considered after careful consideration. It means consciously choosing to limit or eliminate communication with your brothers. Cutting off contact is undeniably painful. It means accepting the loss of a relationship with your brothers, and potentially facing disapproval from other family members. It can, however, be liberating, allowing you to prioritize your own emotional health and create space for healthier relationships.
If, after a genuine attempt at communication, you find that they are unwilling to acknowledge their behavior or change their ways, then, and only then, should you consider cutting them off. It's a difficult decision, but ultimately, you have the right to protect yourself from toxic or unhealthy relationships.
There's one more thing: I've been focusing on your brothers since you called them out but you also referenced "family." This makes me wonder if you're pissed at your parents, too. Do you think they should've stepped in somewhere along the line? I mean, you're all adults so it's likely unreasonable to expect parents to moderate, although in some families they still play a parental figure no matter how grown their kids are.
As for how to deal with your parents: all of the above applies. It's extreme to cut them off based on this but it almost seems like you have underlying issues with your family and this set you over the edge -- to the point that you wrote into an advice column! If this was a one off, I'm not sure you'd take the time to express yourself to a stranger and not the people with whom you have the issue.
Either way, figure out what you want the ultimate outcomes to be. If you want to fix the relationships or end them altogether, that's not something I can answer for you.