My partner wants his mom to vacation with us. I like her, I can tolerate her but I have no interest in travelling with her. We booked our vacation time at our jobs six months ago and she was never mentioned then. All of a sudden she's being brought up in the last couple of weeks. I don't know if she asked to come along or if she was invited. I'm totally not into her coming with us. What's the way out of this?
Fingers crossed for bad weather and rescheduling for a time she's not available!
I have to say, this one screams of inconsiderate partner. Now, without knowing the details about Mom (is she recently widowed after 40 years, etc.? because that could change my advice) it's hard to give a full assessment.
Do they still live together? How old is your partner? Do they have a history of travel together as adults? Was this ever suggested in the past? (Think back years ago, if you've been together that long.)
Also, what's the nature of the vacation? Is it something on her bucket list? ("I've always wanted to go on an Alaskan cruise." "Why don't you come with us then?")
OK, now let's get to your ball busting.
This isn't just about an uninvited guest; it's about a sudden shift in plans you’ve held for six months, a potential disruption to what was meant to be special couple time, and a broader question of boundaries within your relationship.
Your feelings highlight a crucial moment for your partnership. You booked this time off with your jobs six months ago. That implies a deliberate planning process, likely with conversations between you and your partner about what this vacation would entail. The sudden emergence of his mother, without prior discussion, is not just inconvenient; it’s a breach of an unstated, but understood, agreement. Whether she asked to come along or he invited her is a critical piece of information you need to uncover, as it speaks to different dynamics within his family and your relationship. (Buuuuuuuuuut... if she ends up paying for the whole thing then I say you just keep your mouth shut and send her with the blue hairs for bingo tournaments!)
This isn't about demonizing the old bat. Your acknowledgment that you "like her" and can "tolerate her" speaks to your reasonable nature. The issue isn't her personality; it's the fundamental shift in the nature of your vacation. A couple's getaway versus a family trip are two entirely different experiences, with different goals, rhythms and levels of intimacy. You are entitled to desire and protect the former.
So, what’s the way out of this? It hinges entirely on communication with your partner. This isn't a situation to ignore or hope it disappears. If you go on this trip with his mom and you're resentful, that resentment will fester and inevitably damage your relationship with your partner, potentially more than a direct conversation might.
Remind him that you're looking forward to the vacation but also let him know that you're not thrilled with the change of plans because it's not his vacation that you're going along, it's your -- meaning the two of you -- vacation and she is going along. The last thing you want is to be the third wheel on their vacation. If you didn't agree to it, then it doesn't happen. (I hate to say this is one of those "it's her or me" moments, but I think this is one of those "it's her or me" moments -- permanently.)
I'm not saying turn this into an argument or a bitter fight but express yourself as you see fit. If you feel like probing and finding out the why ("What prompted this idea now? Did she ask to come along or did you invite her?") then go for it. But, would his explanation change your feelings of her coming along? Probably not. Because, well, who wants to vacation with their partner and their mom?
Are you open to alternatives? If you don't feel like being the buzzkill for the two of them, what about suggesting that you travel together (fly, Uber, whatever) and you split up for three days (or however long) and meet up at the end? But attached at the hip? Nope.
Or, what about agreeing to something another time that doesn't affect your current plans? ("I'd be down for a separate, shorter trip with her later in the year when it's a holiday weekend or something.")
Be prepared for him to be disappointed, or even a little defensive. At the same time, don't let his feelings overshadow your disappointment. Explain that setting this boundary isn't about controlling him or being selfish; it's about protecting the health and intimacy of your partnership.
If you allow this precedent to be set, you risk a future where your shared plans are always subject to last-minute family additions, eroding the sense of partnership and shared vision that underpins a healthy relationship. Protecting your couple's space is not selfish; it’s an act of self-preservation for your relationship.
Oh yeah, and if Mom is paying for the trip, tell her I'm happy to travel wherever and I'll even play some bingo with her.