My partner had a discussion with his co-worker about how she and her husband have a tracker app on their phones. They essentially let you see where your partner (partner's phone) is at all times. They say it's so that if one of them doesn't hear from the other or there's an emergency, they'll know where they are. Or, just to have an idea how far from home one is while the other is cooking dinner and wants to have it ready. I think that's all BS. It seems like a nosy and controlling way to monitor your partner. It seems like a distrust kind of thing. Nothing has ever happened that either of us is concerned about where the other is and why and for how long. All of a sudden my partner is proposing this. I've said no but he keeps bringing it up.
Your instincts are screaming valid questions louder than any alarm: "BS," "nosy and controlling," "distrust"—you’ve hit the nail squarely on the head.
I completely understand why your partner’s sudden suggestion of a phone tracker app has thrown you for a loop, especially when, as you say, "Nothing has ever happened that either of us is concerned about where the other is." This isn't just a minor disagreement; it's a fundamental challenge to the bedrock of trust and autonomy in your relationship.
Let’s unpack the justifications your partner's co-worker offered: "safety" and "convenience." On the surface, these might sound benign, even caring. "If one doesn't hear from the other, they’ll know where they last were." And "having an idea how far from home one is while the other is cooking dinner." I’m going to be frank with you: while these might be stated reasons, they are rarely the true underpinning for such an invasive measure in a healthy, established relationship.
Regarding "safety": In 99% of everyday scenarios, if you can’t reach someone, a quick text, a phone call or even a friend/family contact is the first port of call. True emergencies that require pinpoint GPS tracking without any prior communication are exceedingly rare for most couples. And even in those extreme cases, standard emergency services or mutual aid systems are far more effective than a passive tracker. If the concern is genuine safety, why not discuss emergency protocols, "check-in" texts when traveling, or sharing your location temporarily during a specific risky activity? Because, frankly, a constant tracker implies a level of perpetual, low-grade fear or suspicion that simply isn't conducive to a relaxed, trusting partnership. It speaks to a need for constant surveillance, not genuine concern for well-being that manifests in healthy communication.
Then there’s "convenience" – knowing how far from home your partner is for dinner. I find this especially unconvincing. Are we truly so incapable of sending a simple text message – "Leaving now," "ETA 15 mins," or "Stuck in traffic, might be late" – that we need a surveillance app to time a meal? This reduces communication to a technical data point, stripping away the human element of checking in, anticipating and adjusting together. It transforms a simple, polite exchange into a digital monitoring exercise. What it really signals, to me, is a perceived need to know without asking, which is a hallmark of control, not convenience.
Your assertion that this "seems like a nosy and controlling way to monitor your partner" and "a distrust kind of thing" is, in my opinion, absolutely correct. Healthy relationships are built on a foundation of trust, respect and mutual independence within the framework of commitment. They thrive on open communication, not covert or even overt surveillance. When one partner feels the need to constantly monitor the other, it fundamentally undermines that trust. It implies a presumption of guilt or potential deception, rather than innocent activity. It casts a shadow of suspicion over every moment spent apart.
What concerns me most is that this suggestion has come "all of a sudden," with no prior issues or incidents to prompt such a drastic shift. This isn’t a natural evolution of communication; it’s a sudden imposition. This tells me that the immediate trigger (the co-worker's story) might be a convenient excuse for something deeper within your partner. Could it be an underlying insecurity? A latent desire for control that’s only now manifesting? A misunderstanding of what privacy and autonomy mean in a committed relationship? Or perhaps, simply, a naïve acceptance of something they've heard without fully processing its implications for your unique dynamic.
Before I get to dishing out my advice, let me also counter with a story because I do believe there are scenarios where such tracking is warranted. My uncle is in the early stages of dementia. My cousin has told me stories of his going out for the afternoon and not remembering where he went. She's talked about how he refers to "the girl" working in his senior apartment complex. (There is no such girl, as staff has confirmed.) The bank has called my cousin to say there was unusual activity on her dad's account. After installing a tracker app on his phone, she was able to see it was him at the branch's ATM. She's been able to see that he is leaving the building even though he'll tell her he didn't go anywhere that day.
So, yes, there are instances when such an app could potentially be a lifesaver. I'm not discrediting the concept of them, but there is a time and place to use them.
Back to your relationship.
Stand firm. Your "no" is valid and important. Do not waver. Explain calmly, but firmly, that this app is a non-starter for you. It’s not about negotiation or finding a "middle ground" here; it's about a boundary related to trust and personal autonomy.
Instead of just saying "no," explain why this makes you feel uncomfortable. Use "I" statements:
"I feel like this app implies a lack of trust in me and that hurts."
"I feel like my privacy would be invaded and that doesn't feel right in our relationship."
"I feel like this shifts our dynamic from one of mutual trust to one of surveillance and I don't want that for us."
"I feel like our communication is strong and I don't understand why we would need digital tracking when we can simply talk to each other."
Be direct. "Why is this suddenly so important to you now? What is it about our relationship that makes you feel we need this level of constant tracking? Is there something you're worried about?" This forces him to articulate the true motivation, rather than hiding behind the co-worker's flimsy excuses. Listen carefully to the response. Is it fear? Insecurity? A desire for control? A genuine but misguided belief that this enhances closeness?
If your partner genuinely expresses an underlying anxiety (e.g., about your safety if you're traveling alone late at night), discuss healthy ways to address it. "I'll text you when I leave," "I'll call you when I get home." These are proactive, trust-based solutions, not reactive surveillance.
If your partner continues to push, be explicit: "My phone is my private property and I will not install a tracking app on it. This is a boundary I'm not willing to cross."
Make sure to take note of how your partner reacts to your "no" to the apparent demand to be tracked. Does he respect your boundary? Does he become defensive, angry or try to guilt-trip you? Does he suddenly accuse you of being up to no good and suggest that's why you refuse to be tracked?
His reaction will tell you a great deal about their respect for your autonomy and his understanding of healthy relationship dynamics. If he refuses to drop it or becomes manipulative, I say ditch the asshole. Sorry, I don't know how long you've been together or how seriously the relationship is, but it would be bye-bye time if I were in that situation.
True intimacy and security in a relationship come from knowing you are deeply trusted and respected, even when you are out of sight. It comes from the freedom to be an individual while remaining a committed partner. It does not, and cannot, bloom under the watchful eye of a constant digital tracker. Stand your ground, communicate your feelings clearly, protect the sanctity of trust in your relationship -- if not, prepare for more disrespectful controlling, or kick his ass to the curb.