My partner lost his job and has been actively looking for work. (It was a layoff, it wasn't his fault.) It seems like he can't land a role in his field of expertise. I'm telling him he should just apply for anything in the short term because income is income and he needs to start pulling his weight. It's not for lack of trying it just seems like he's stubborn and feels that taking any other job is beneath him. Should I ease up? Am I being unreasonable?
Well, no. I mean, depending on the industry it could be tough to find work at any given time. At the same time, you're right, there's no excuse for not finding something to supplement his income even if it's finding a short-term job that's not ultimately his desired career.
I'll give the example of my brother. About 20 years ago, he went to school for woodworking. It's a skilled trade so jobs can be few and far between -- especially in a smaller city. He was able to get an internship at a company while he was in school but that didn't guarantee him work once he graduated. So, he had the education and hands-on experience but lack of available opportunity brought him to a standstill. Stubborn -- probably just like your partner -- he refused to take a customer service job or something that wasn't connected to his field of expertise. Until -- wait for it -- money became so tight that he HAD to. Given the choice -- starvation, homelessness, etc. or shitty job for shitty pay -- he chose the latter. Yeah, it bruised his ego for a short time but he needed to hit that lowest point before biting the bullet. (Interesting fact: he's never had a woodworking job since going to school.)
So, yes, if a partner is expected to contribute to the household income, the sooner the better for finding something -- anything. The longer it goes, the longer the frustration, struggle and resentment in your relationship.
The expectation of shared responsibility, particularly when one partner is actively maintaining income for two, is a cornerstone of a healthy adult relationship. The exact approach and the intensity of your current method of communication might warrant significant adjustment.
Let's also get into your partner's mind for a second. The loss of a job often triggers a complex psychological cascade. Beyond the immediate financial implications, it can deeply impact an individual’s sense of identity, purpose and self-worth. For many, a career is not merely a means to an end but a significant part of who they are. To be unable to secure a role within their field of expertise, particularly after dedicated effort, can feel like a profound personal failure. This can lead to feelings of shame, inadequacy and a fear of irrelevance.
OK, there. I got the sensitivity thing out of the way.
When you suggest he “just apply for anything,” while pragmatic from a purely financial standpoint, it can be perceived by someone in his position as an invalidation of his skills, experience and the very identity he has built through his career.
The notion of a job being “beneath him” might not simply be an expression of arrogance or stubborn pride. It could stem from a deep-seated fear: a fear of derailing his long-term career trajectory, of losing the specialized knowledge he has painstakingly acquired, or of being perceived as having "failed downwards." (Hello, woodworker bro!)
He might genuinely believe that accepting a role outside his field, particularly one that is significantly under his skill level, could make it harder to return to his desired profession later or could permanently alter his professional standing. This is not to say that such a belief is always accurate or productive, but rather to explain the potential underlying emotional landscape.
Like for a woodworker, the job market itself can be incredibly difficult to navigate. Economic shifts, technological advancements and increased competition mean that even highly skilled individuals can face prolonged periods of unemployment. It is plausible that he is indeed trying diligently within his field, but the opportunities are simply scarce or the competition is unusually fierce. This prolonged effort without tangible results can be incredibly demoralizing, leading to a vicious cycle where decreased confidence further impacts job search effectiveness.
Bottom line: you need money in the household. I get it.
Before any further discussion with him about types of jobs, you both need a clear, unvarnished view of your financial situation. Sit down together — not during a moment of conflict, but calmly and deliberately — and lay out all income, expenses, savings and debts.
Once the financial reality is on the table, approach the conversation about his job search from a place of empathy and partnership. Avoid phrases like "you need to," "you're stubborn," or "it's beneath you." Instead, use "we" language and express your concerns from your perspective.
"I am feeling anxious about our financial future and I wanted us to discuss a strategy together."
"I know how hard you've been working to find a role in your field, and I see how frustrating it is. I'm also worried about [X financial consequence] if we don't find a solution soon."
This is where you can also put on your armchair therapist hat. (Do they make those? Is that such a thing? I think it's a figure of speech. Anyhow...)
Ask open-ended questions: "What are your biggest fears about taking a job outside your field in the short term?" "What would it mean to you to take a temporary role that isn't ideal?" Listen actively to his responses, even if they are difficult to hear. Acknowledge his feelings before proposing solutions.
This is also a chance to brainstorm and get creative. (Perhaps. I don't know his industry but some ideas have come to mind.)
Are there short-term contracts, consulting gigs or freelance opportunities that utilize his skills, even if they don't offer full-time stability? Could he list himself available for hire? These can be excellent for income and keeping skills sharp. Who knows, maybe it takes off and he lands a client base and doesn't need to rely on an employer hiring him for a full-time job.
In the end, let him feel the financial pinch with as little impact on you as possible. For instance, if he wants to go out for dinner or have a date night, there's nothing wrong with saying you two can't afford it. Period. Like anyone needing to be careful with budgeting and finances, he'll need to start putting limits on his casual spending. (Be mindful if he starts using credit cards to get buy. Don't go down that rabbit hole.)
As I just touched upon, do not neglect yourself. The emotional and financial strain on you is considerable. Ensure you have your own support system — friends, family or even a professional counsellor — with whom you can share your feelings and anxieties without burdening your partner further. Maintaining your own emotional health will enable you to be a more supportive and effective partner during this challenging period.