My partner insists on mixing our groups of friends and I prefer keeping them separate. For instance (I'm making up these names): I'm friends with John and Mary, and he's friends with Bob and Susan. He wants us to get together as a group of six and do dinner or a night out somewhere. I have nothing against Bob and Susan but I just don't feel like mixing our friends. I feel like it'll be awkward because I have inside jokes and stories with them that the others wouldn't understand or find funny. They're just two different couples. It's not that I feel like they won't get along I just want my friends to be my friends and his friends to be his friends. What should I do?
First, it sounds like he thinks it'll be fun to have everyone meet so you can start a social group as a trio of couples. I don't think there's anything sketchy thoughts with his idea. (Unless you think it's intended to be some kind of swingers group. Is it?!?!?!?!?!?!)
I actually felt something similar when I joined Facebook a long time ago. I didn't want my entire contact list on public display for everyone. My classmates were my classmates, my co-workers were my co-workers, my relatives were my relatives. Keep them apart. There's no reason for everyone to be able to scroll the list of people you know.
You value your distinct friendships, your inside jokes, the comfortable familiarity of your separate social spheres, and the thought of blending them into a potential "awkward six" is understandably daunting. You’re right; you have a unique dynamic with John and Mary, and the idea of others not quite "getting it" can be a genuine concern.
But let me offer a different perspective, one that might just turn that apprehension into excitement. When your partner suggests bringing your friends together, he’s likely not trying to disrupt your social life; he’s trying to enrich your shared life. He probably sees you as an integral part of his world, and he wants his friends to see that, too. He might envision a future where all the people he cares about – you, his friends and your friends – can comfortably co-exist and even thrive together. It’s a beautiful vision of integration, a sign that he sees your relationship as foundational and wants to build a larger, shared community around it.
You worry about the awkwardness, the "inside jokes and stories that the others wouldn't understand." I’ve been there. But what if those inside jokes become a bridge, an opportunity to share a glimpse into your unique bond with John and Mary? What if Bob and Susan find them charming or even add their own context? New friendships often blossom from shared laughter, even if the initial spark comes from a story others don't fully grasp yet. Think of it not as two separate couples, but as the potential for three couples to forge new connections.
Imagine the simple joy of having all the people you love in one place, sharing a meal, or enjoying a night out. No more splitting your time, no more feeling like you have to compartmentalize your life. It opens up a world of spontaneous double dates, group trips and shared celebrations. It strengthens your bond as a couple by creating a shared social fabric. It says, "My life with you is so wonderful, I want everyone I care about to experience it." (OK, maybe I'm getting too sappy now.)
So, what should you do?
Give it a try -- once. Start small. Perhaps a casual dinner at your place or a laid-back evening at a pub. The key is to approach it with an open mind, not with the expectation that everyone will become instant best friends, but with the hope that everyone can find common ground and enjoy each other’s company. Be the bridge. Ask questions, facilitate conversations and share those "inside jokes" with a brief, light explanation if needed.
You might be surprised. John and Mary might hit it off brilliantly with Bob and Susan. You might discover common interests you never knew existed. And even if they don't become inseparable, the act of trying, of showing your partner you're willing to step out of your comfort zone for the sake of your shared life, will speak volumes.
This isn't about losing your friends; it's about gaining a more integrated, joyful social world with the person you love. Take the leap. If it doesn't work out, then whatever. At least you tried.