I'm new to dating apps. I realize most people are chatting with more than one person at a time. I'm debating about how open I should be. Do you talk about other connections and conversations you have? Or should you keep your other interactions private? Is it cool to say, "Yeah, I'm talking to this other person who..."?
I'm not really sure. I've never used a dating app. But, let's flip it around and ask how you feel about someone doing those things with you.
Do you want to know if a person is getting to know six or seven others? Would you be jealous? Would you want to know how you rank in the roster? Would you end up spending more time chatting about those possible connections than you are about the relationship you're forming with the person?
It's likely about how you perceive the process of using dating apps. Do you expect the person to be upfront? Is it considered a lie if they don't mention others right off the bat? Or is it common knowledge that the whole concept is a competition (like a reality dating show) and you can't expect to be someone's one and only?
Navigating the landscape of dating apps can feel like stepping onto an entirely new planet, especially when it comes to the unspoken rules. My perspective isn't rooted in "official etiquette" but rather in the timeless principles of respect, honesty and genuine connection.
So, since I'm jumping into shoes I've never worn, let me talk (type) this out as I think it through. (That's how I love doing this column: I read the concern for the first time and immediately start typing what comes to mind -- my initial thoughts.)
My short answer to your question, "Do you talk about other connections and conversations you have?" is a firm: No, not in the early stages of chatting.
When you're chatting with someone, your attention and energy should be focused on them. Introducing other connections, particularly in the initial phases, can inadvertently send a few unhelpful messages. First, it can dilute the unique potential of the connection you're trying to build. You want the person you're speaking with to feel like they have your full, undivided interest, at least for the duration of that conversation. Making it about others can make them feel like just another option on your menu, rather than someone you're genuinely intrigued by.
And, you know what, that's something we see on those dating shows. The person gets alone time with the "bachelor" and they spend the whole time gossiping, complaining and fishing for information about the competition. In those few short moments, why would you waste your time giving the spotlight to others? You're supposed to be the focus in that moment. Why share the spotlight?
Also, think about how it might be perceived. Saying something like, "Yeah, I'm talking to this other person who..." in an unprompted way can come across as trying to make them jealous, validate your own desirability or even attempting to create a sense of competition. None of these are conducive to building trust or fostering genuine interest. In my view, it appears insecure and takes the focus away from the fascinating person right in front of you.
My advice is to keep your other interactions private. Your dating journey is yours, and their dating journey is theirs. Until a connection truly deepens and the conversation naturally shifts towards defining exclusivity, there's no need to broadcast your entire dating roster. Focus on building a singular connection, one conversation at a time. The goal, after all, is to discover if this person is a good match for you, not to conduct a multiple-choice exam.
Should the conversation organically drift towards the general nature of dating apps, or if they explicitly ask about your dating experience, you can be honest without being overly specific. A general acknowledgment that "it's common to be chatting with a few people" is far different from detailing specifics about other individuals.
Give them your full attention, ask thoughtful questions and let them feel like they are the most interesting person on your screen at that moment. Save the broader discussion about your dating landscape for when a connection truly deepens and the topic of exclusivity genuinely arises. Until then, nurture the budding connection in front of you with sincere focus.