My partner wants to combine our bank account/money but I make significantly more than him. Should I set ground rules about how he can spend?
Well, this one is tricky. My first thoughts: how long have they been together? Do they live together? Are they married? What's the difference in income? How do they currently divide up bills: meaning, do they have kids that they support together? So many unknowns that this one is tough to assess. But, let's try it, anyway.
The idea of merging finances with a partner is a huge step on its own. But when there's a significant income disparity it can also bring a whole host of anxieties.
Your question: "Should I set ground rules about how he can spend?"
My short answer: Yes, you absolutely need ground rules. But perhaps not in the way you're currently thinking about them.
Here's why I'm going to strongly persuade you towards a different approach than simply merging everything and then trying to police his spending:
Imagine this: All your money goes into one pot. You see that pot shrinking, perhaps faster than you'd like, and naturally, you start to assign blame, even subconsciously.
"He bought that new gadget," or "We went out to dinner again because he wanted to." This isn't about him being irresponsible; it's about the inherent power imbalance and lack of transparency that a simple combined account can create when incomes are unequal. You'll feel like your hard work is funding his lifestyle, and he might, in turn, feel controlled or inadequate. That's not the foundation for a strong, loving partnership.
Instead of setting rules for him within a fully combined account, I advocate for setting agreements for both of you that honor your individual financial autonomy while building a robust shared future.
You can combine, sure, but keep individual accounts. If you're talking about throwing everything into one account, no, never do that. But, a lot of couples either have automatic transfers into a joint account or on payday they put in their share of an agreed-upon amount. Thus, the joint account is for the things you both contribute toward: mortgage/rent, utilities, etc. Whether or not you make $50,000 per year more is irrelevant because you still have your account and you both contribute equally to the joint account.
This isn't about "your money versus his money." It's about "our money," and how "we" manage it to achieve "our" shared goals. Schedule a dedicated "money date" – a calm, open discussion where you both share your financial philosophies, spending habits, debts, savings goals, and, yes, your current incomes. Be honest about your comfort levels and anxieties.
This is where that highly beneficial "autonomy" comes in. After contributing to the joint household account, the rest of your individual incomes stays in your separate personal accounts. This is your "fun money," your savings, money for your individual hobbies or whatever you choose to spend it on, without needing to justify it to your partner. This eliminates the resentment you fear, as you're not scrutinizing his discretionary spending and he’s not feeling monitored.
This method gives you the "ground rules" you need, but frames them as a collaborative agreement that protects both your financial independence and your shared future. It ensures that shared responsibilities are met fairly, while also giving each of you the freedom to manage your individual money without feeling judged or controlled.