We’ve all heard of them: the five love languages. (At least, single people have. Our married bosses hadn't.)
Can you name them? Again, if you're single, probably.
Words of affirmation, acts of service, receiving gifts, quality time, and physical touch.
They’re the relationship buzzwords plastered across self-help articles and whispered in hushed tones among people -- usually singles -- trying to navigate the murky waters of romance. But lately, I've been pondering something: are these so-called "love languages" actually a helpful framework for understanding connection or are they just a fancy way of saying, "Do this specific thing or I won't feel loved?"
I'm not against showing affection. Demonstrating care and consideration for your partner is crucial for a healthy relationship. What I take issue with is the way the concept of "love languages" -- and I really feel that deserves to be in quotation marks because it's not really a thing -- can be, and often is, weaponized. It's as though it's become a socially acceptable way to dictate your partner's behavior, a subtle form of control disguised as a plea for affection.
Think about it. Isn’t identifying your "love language" essentially outlining a set of expectations for your partner to fulfil? It boils down to saying, "If you don't shower me with compliments (words of affirmation), constantly run errands for me (acts of service), buy me expensive things (receiving gifts), give me your undivided attention (quality time), or hold my hand every five minutes (physical touch), then you don't truly love me."
Suddenly, a relationship isn't about mutual understanding and organic expressions of affection. It's about ticking boxes on a pre-determined checklist. It’s about performing love, rather than feeling it.
The underlying issue, as I see it, is the inherent dependence embedded within the "love language" framework. It places the burden of your happiness squarely on your partner's shoulders. If your partner isn't fluent in your love language, the implication is that they're failing you, neglecting your needs and, ultimately, not loving you "correctly."
I approached individually our bosses, who've been married for eight years, and asked what their "love language" is. One said, "I don't know what that is." I explained it to him and he said, "It sounds like something for single people." The other, who's from Brazil, said, "Portuguese." Really. And guess what: their relationship is the strongest our team has ever been witness to. Seriously. Not just saying that because they pay me!
Shouldn't happiness be an inside job? Shouldn't we be responsible for cultivating our own sense of well-being before seeking a relationship? I believe we should. Expecting someone else to "make you happy" is not only unrealistic but also fundamentally unfair. It sets the stage for disappointment, resentment and a very unbalanced relationship.
Furthermore, the emphasis on rigid categories can actually hinder genuine connection. What happens when your partner's natural expressions of love don't perfectly align with your "love language"? Do you dismiss their efforts, deeming them insufficient because they don't fit into your pre-defined box?
For example, maybe your partner isn't great at verbal affirmations but they consistently offer practical support and are always there to lend a helping hand. Are you going to overlook their acts of service because they don't shower you with flowery compliments? It seems almost absurd to prioritize a prescribed method of affection over genuine care and support.
Instead of focusing on being "fluent" in your partner's "love language," perhaps we should prioritize open communication, empathy and a willingness to understand each other's individual needs and preferences. Let’s focus on appreciating the unique ways our partners show their love, even if those expressions don't perfectly fit into a predetermined category.
Ultimately, I believe a truly healthy relationship is built on a foundation of mutual respect, individual happiness and a shared desire to grow together. It's about supporting each other's personal journeys, not relying on each other to fill a void within ourselves.
So, the next time you hear someone talking about their "love language" -- presumably on a reality dating show when they're throwing themselves at the "picker" in the hopes of getting more alone time to show off their insecurities -- take it with a grain of salt.
Maybe it's a helpful tool for understanding their needs,or maybe it's just a way of saying, "Do this or I won't be happy." And remember, your happiness is your responsibility, not your partner's. Focus on cultivating your own inner peace and contentment, and you might just find that the most authentic expressions of love are the ones that come naturally, without the need for prescribed languages or rigid expectations.