Our group has been talking about dating disasters and the stories coming out are amazing. Just incredible! From awkwardness at a restaurant to making an ass of yourself on a first date.
Tanner's story, however, probably takes the cake. Get ready for this one. You might need some gloves to keep scrolling!
Picture it: Sicily, 1925. Kidding. Get that reference?
Tanner, feeling optimistic and smelling faintly of Axe body spray (kidding… mostly), agrees to a first date at his date’s… ahem… humble abode. Now, we all know first dates are minefields. Awkward silences, questionable fashion choices, the inevitable "So, what do you do?" But Tanner, bless his cotton socks, was unprepared for the horrors that awaited him upon entry.
The evening started well enough, or so he thought. Polite conversation, forced laughter at mildly amusing jokes, the usual pre-date jitters. But nature, that relentless mistress, called. Tanner excused himself to the porcelain throne room, expecting the usual: a slightly dusty countertop, maybe a forgotten magazine from 2012. What he found, however, was a scene that would make even the most seasoned plumber weep.
Sources (aka Tanner, after several strategically placed donuts and a promise not to reveal the date’s identity) tell us the toilet looked like it hadn’t seen the business end of a scrub brush since the Reagan administration. We’re talking a veritable ecosystem thriving in that bowl. Forget the Blue Lagoon; this was the Brown Lagoon, and it was teeming with… well, let’s just leave it to your imagination.
But the horror didn't stop there, folks. Oh no. Driven by morbid curiosity (or perhaps a desperate need to wash his hands), Tanner ventured further, peering into the shower. Grime, he reports, clung to the tiles like a lovesick octopus. Soap scum formations rivaled the stalactites of Carlsbad Caverns. It was less a shower, more a biohazard.
And then, the pièce de résistance: the medicine cabinet. (You know that Seinfeld episode: gotta look in cabinet, right?) Now, we all have our little secrets lurking in our medicine cabinets – expired medications, questionable acne creams, that one hair product we bought on a whim and never used.
But Tanner’s date had taken “secrets” to a whole new level. Apparently, opening the cabinet triggered a cascade of ancient pills, a mouth retainer from at least 10 years ago, a rogue toothbrush, and a small, unidentified object that Tanner swears might have been a fossilized toenail clipping. He recoiled, naturally.
Now, at this point, most of us would have politely excused ourselves, feigning a sudden, debilitating migraine. But Tanner, ever the gentleman (or perhaps paralyzed by sheer disbelief), persevered. He emerged from the bathroom, a haunted look in his eyes, and attempted to salvage the date.
He failed. Miserably.
Sources (again, donuts) report that the rest of the evening was a blur of forced smiles, awkward small talk, and a desperate yearning for the sweet release of escape. Tanner claims he couldn't focus on anything his date was saying, his mind forever scarred by the images he'd witnessed in that bathroom.
The date limped to a close, and Tanner practically sprinted to his car, leaving a trail of dust and regret in his wake. But the truly shocking part of this story, my friends, is what happened next.
Tanner, in an act of sheer desperation and a profound desire to avoid future encounters with the denizen of the Dirty Bathroom, changed his phone number! That's right, he went nuclear on his dating life. He sacrificed his ability to order pizza online and receive vital cat meme updates just to avoid a potential second date.
So, what’s the moral of the story? Well, aside from the obvious (clean your goddamn bathroom before you have company!), it’s a cautionary tale about the perils of first dates and the lasting psychological damage that can be inflicted by a truly horrifying toilet.
As for Tanner, he's back in the office, a little quieter, a little more withdrawn. He still crunches numbers with the best of them, but his eyes now hold a certain… haunted quality. And every time the cleaners come to spruce up Buff Loft, we see him go blank for a moment as the memories flood back.