Here at Buff Loft, we all have our quirks. Somehow Collin loses shoes (or a shoe -- how do they separate?). Gabe seems to always have more used coffee cups on his desk than anyone else. As for outside the office, Drew has made a name for himself for all the wrong reasons.
Drew has been honing his skills in the art of the freebie since his high school days. Back then, while the rest of us were busy navigating awkward dances and agonizing over algebra, Drew and his merry band of misfits were mastering the art of the free sample feast.
Picture this: a group of teenagers descending upon unsuspecting grocery stores, their eyes gleaming with the promise of a complimentary culinary adventure. Forget fancy restaurants – Drew and his crew had a better idea. Why pay for dinner when you can construct a multi-course meal entirely out of bite-sized morsels offered to entice paying customers?
One might think a discreet pass by the sample table would suffice. A polite "thank you," a quick nibble, and on you go. But not Drew. He and his posse would loiter, strategize and systematically dismantle the poor sample lady's offerings like a pack of hungry hyenas.
We're talking an hour or two spent circling the cheese cubes and mini-quiches, each return trip executed with the subtlety of a marching band. They weren’t even trying to disguise themselves! You'd think after the third or fourth appearance in the same ratty band T-shirt, someone might catch on. Eventually, they did. (And, are teenagers really grocery shopping together at Costco? Really?)
After weeks of dedicated sampling, Drew and his friends were unceremoniously banned from the store. A dark day for free food enthusiasts everywhere.
But Drew’s thirst for freebies (literal and figurative) wasn't quenched. He simply adapted, evolved and found a new, even more bizarre target: the local distilled water store.
Now, you might be thinking, "What’s wrong with buying distilled water?" Absolutely nothing! Unless, of course, you're Drew and your mission is to obtain it purely through deception and elaborate schemes.
Instead of, you know, just asking for a glass of water (which most reasonable establishments would happily provide), Drew would embark on a theatrical performance of epic proportions. He'd stroll into the store, feigning intense interest in water coolers. He'd ponder the pros and cons of various models, engage in lengthy (and likely pointless) conversations with the staff, all while subtly maneuvering himself closer to the holy grail – the water dispenser.
And then, the moment of truth. While the salesperson rambled on about filtration systems and bottle sizes, Drew would casually (or as casually as one can be while simultaneously pretending to be a serious water cooler buyer) whip out his water bottle and proceed to fill it up.
Think about the commitment! All that time and energy wasted pretending to be interested in something he clearly wasn't, all to avoid the simple act of asking for a glass of water. It's almost admirable in its sheer absurdity.
He confessed one day, amidst a fit of giggles, that he felt too embarrassed to just ask for water. The shame! The audacity! How could he possibly confess his thirst without first establishing himself as a potential high-value customer? The sheer weight of social anxiety, apparently, far outweighed the inconvenience of performing a one-man play about water cooler shopping.
Drew, if you're reading this (and I know he is because he's just that into himself), know that we both admire and are thoroughly entertained by your dedication to the art of the freebie. You are a legend in your own right, a true original. Just maybe, next time you're thirsty, try simply asking. You might be surprised how easy it is, and you might just avoid getting banned from another establishment. Unless, of course, you want to be banned. In which case, carry on, you magnificent weirdo. Carry on.